Navigating Conflict with Emotional Literacy: Strengthening Intimacy in Couples!

Every couple fights—it’s inevitable. But what if we told you that the secret to not just surviving those fights but actually using them to grow closer was within your reach? Couples’ conflicts aren’t just about the issue at hand; they are an opportunity to deepen emotional intimacy.

According to emotionally focused therapy (EFT) and the Gottman Method, learning to navigate conflict with emotional literacy is a game-changer. This means understanding how you feel, owning those feelings, and managing your emotional responses.

Imagine being able to say, “I’m feeling sad because I miss you” instead of the default, “Why are you always working?” This small shift in communication can do wonders for a relationship, helping you reconnect instead of creating further distance.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that emotions in a fight are mutually exclusive—”If I’m upset, it means you’re the bad guy,” or “If you’re angry, I must have done something wrong.” But what couples often miss is that emotions aren’t as simple as one person’s pain negating the other’s. If you’re angry or hurt, it doesn’t necessarily mean your partner has been unkind or malicious. It might just mean that your emotions are a response to an unmet need or an old attachment wound being triggered.

Picture This

Partner 1 says, “I miss you. When you work this much, I feel sad that I don’t get to see you.” Partner 2, whose own attachment history might be rooted in feeling abandoned, fires back, “See? Nothing I do is enough!” And just like that, the emotional floodgates open, and instead of resolving the issue, both are left feeling more distant.

Learning to see these emotional patterns allows couples to understand that emotions are not attacks but signals that need to be communicated and addressed with empathy.

Attachment Wounds

Attachment wounds play a huge role in how we perceive our partner’s emotional experience. If you have a history of feeling neglected or abandoned, even a small remark from your partner can be interpreted as rejection, even if that wasn’t their intention. EFT and the Gottman Method teach that when couples increase their emotional literacy, they develop the ability to process emotions before they escalate into a fight.

With a bit of humor and a lot of patience, couples can learn that taking responsibility for their own emotions and managing distress during a disagreement doesn’t just prevent fights—it enhances the emotional bond. The next time you’re in a heated discussion, instead of blaming your partner for ruining your mood, try taking a step back, acknowledging your feelings, and then asking: “What does this moment need from both of us to bring us closer?” You might be surprised at how much closer you feel when the dust settles.

* This post was originally printed in the Village Medicine Seattle’s Wellness Quarterly Magazine, 1Q25 Edition. Read and download the full publication

About The Author

Erin Brower, LMHC: Erin is a seasoned therapist with over 20 years of experience in fostering sustainable and healthy relationships. Driven by curiosity, she focuses on understanding the dynamics of connection and helping clients establish clear boundaries and honest communication.